Finding Myself in ... Zipolite

            I am often struck with the feeling of melancholy for no apparent reason. The depth can be subtle - slinking through my thoughts - and other times deep and heavy upon my mind, painting a sepia film over the day. But the tool I’ve learned through this past year is to recognize it, accept it, maybe even try to place its source, and then clear it out by looking at the things around me I am grateful for. Each place I visit gives me a bit more room to grow in that exercise and I am hoping that one day I will be the master of it. But for now, I let the mood shift with the breeze and am eager for the moments when I can swing back into the clear blue tones of a sunny day and see the sparkle of all things bright in this life.

I’m currently fighting off that melancholy with a foray back into the hidden coves of my sexuality; I’ve returned to Zipolite nearly a year after my first adventure of two nights. Now with a week secured, I am opening myself to the possibilities that may come in a nude-beach town, filled with a free-wheeling, gay community. It’s nice being back in the height of the gay-action of Play de Amor and mingling with the nude, gay men of the coast. Although the main event seems to be the ravaging that takes place after sunset, there is still a great energy of comradery that permeates the crowd gathering under the crisp sun.

            Up on the hill, in my temporary home, I scrape off the layers of salt that have been building up, considering I have gone the first three days without water. Yet my skin responds well, staying soft and supple, only smelling like the sun and tasting like the sea, the waves of which are relentless, pounding the shore though the night. When I wake at the witching hours, I wonder to myself – alone and cold in bed – if those waves ever get tired, or if like the breath in my lungs, their crashing is a mindless eternity. Their sound was what woke me, and still in a haze of wine and weed, and the heady drug of poppers and sex, the force of the waves reminded me of the rhythmic force of my travel companion inside of me just hours before. I saw his flirtation take a heavy dive forward and knew I had to make decisions. And I decided to live in the moment. The reward was a feeling of abandonment, of which I was searching for in the open waters of the town. And the feeling of being wanted was the most intoxicating substance coursing through me that night; it kept me awake, churning as violently as the waters of the ocean.

            Inviting this man to join me in Zipolite seemed like an honest and easy decision at first, but perhaps I intended the rendezvous. Or perhaps I simply wanted to share a sexually liberating environment with another gay man that had no obligations or attachments to me. Whatever it may have been, the decision has left me feeling as light and effervescent as the sun shining off the plumes of water in the distance.

            That feeling of abandonment, coupled with a nude beach and the community that lives without water for days on end, is an interesting thing. With each added layer of sweat and salt from the ocean and yoga, I feel an equal layer of anxiety and self-consciousness removed. Three days in and I am getting exactly what I wanted from this stay. I look around and feel grateful to be in this exact moment and place. Grateful for the view, as I gaze over the sloping hills speckled with palapas and palm trees, coming down to meet the golden sands and azule waters. Grateful to practice yoga every day with new people on the same path of peacefulness and openness. Grateful for the company of someone looking for the same things as I in this short week we have together. Grateful to be happy.

            Zipolite has given me things in one week that I searched and failed to find in the months that I spent in LA, San Francisco, and Mexico City. Hell, it has given me things that I spent years searching for in New York. And what it has reminded me, is if there is something out there that you really want, if there is an adventure that needs to be taken, or an experience you must live, then do not give up in your efforts. Because someday, there may come a time when you are awarded for the patience you have put in, and that feeling is one that cannot be toppled by anything else in life.