That in Which We Take for Granted

    It’s been quite the journey coming to understand all of the things I took for granted when I had you. Foremost: you. I got to a point where I let everything go because I assumed you would just stick by my side. But at the same time longed for an idea of what it was like to be alone. A reason I found you to be such a great partner is that you inhabited so many of the things I was looking for in life; we were both vain, spending more time than usual to maintain a certain physical shape, keep our skin and hair in outstanding performance; we were both driven, wanting more from life than others were settling for, each of us having dreams to obtain; we were both selfish, not afraid to put ourselves first and make sure we were happy before lending ourselves to others. Yet I let all of those things go. I got fat and started to lose my hair (albeit the latter not so much in my control, but definitely could have been quicker to absolve the issue and get over my reluctance to hop on the pill). I completely lost my drive, not having the will to follow any dream or to dare to even have one. I bottled up my selfishness, thinking I needed to put “us” before “I”, which resulted in me becoming grossly depressed and putting way too much pressure on you to give back as much as I did, even though we knew going in that that was not the way we wanted to do things. And within all this, I forced us into a monogamous relationship, even though I didn’t really want that, but was riddled with so much anxiety and jealousy that I wanted you all to myself for fear that you would find something better than the angst-riddled, depressed, overweight, balding man that I had turned into. The same middle-aged man with no dreams or motivation to better himself that I watched every other man in my life turn into and swore to my own young-adult self I would never repeat.

    So here we are now, on a path that could have been entirely avoided if only I had the gumption and courage enough to cut myself lose from the tangled web of insecurities that enshrouded me, and actually took your determination and used it as inspiration to continue being the man I promised the young me I would be.  

    So what do I do now, I wonder. Is it too late to fight for myself, and in return, be able to fight for you? Is picking myself up off the ground and becoming the person I’ve always wanted to be, just so I can win you back, the wrong motivation? I can’t imagine it is such a bad thing to use my love for you and our relationship as the guiding force to get myself back to the person I’ve dreamed to be. I should probably understand I will need to shield myself against the possibility that even if I were to succeed in this, I very well may never get to call you my lover again. But even so, if the consolation prize is that I finally become the best version of me I could summon, then what harm can it do to try? 

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