Finding Myself in Mexico: Part IV

    If there is one thing we can all agree on as humans, it is that life is full of ups and downs, hills and valleys. The first time I visited Mexico was to come to Puerto Escondido with my brother, his girlfriend, and one of my best friends. The timing of New Year’s was coincidental, but provided for quite an exciting addition to a trip with already high expectations. The journey was filled with adventure, excursions, new experiences, and nostalgia of stories past. So I wonder if the high of the trip was naturally going to be met with a low this time around. It’s not too far a stretch to understand that trying to recapture emotions that are still so fresh, in the same setting, but with a different scenario, was destined to fail. An answer to that from most would be the lows are there to make you appreciate the highs. But when you are a person who spends too much time in long stretches of lows, you start to forget what it means to enjoy a high. 

    Let me explain a little about why I did decide to come out here alone: I needed an opportunity to force me into change. To make me completely uncomfortable and give me no option but to adapt. I have always been able to change, it was something I valued in my personality, but at some point I got too comfortable. And once you have slipped into that wool lined sleeping bag and tucked in tight up against a crackling fire, why would you ever want to get out again? Eventually though, that fire started to grow bigger, the wool became stifling and shrank around me; claustrophobia set in. I needed to spring myself from the trap. But can you imagine how startling the cold is after so long in warmth? How much energy it takes to trudge through the unknown after being inert for an eternity? The shock of it all makes you want to jump right back into that stifling way of old, because at least it was familiar, at least you know it’s something you can manage because you did for so long. Now here I am in Mexico - with all my life in New York thrown away behind me - because I needed to take away that option to return to the warmth, force my mind and body to deal with the changes abound. Because what is it that life knows how to do best? Survive. 

    I think, though, there is a step before learning how to survive: Fear. Unfortunately, this seems to be the biggest obstacle on the way to surviving, and possibly the one thing that can stop you from achieving said goal. The fears I manifest keep me from wanting to meet new people because I am afraid they don’t speak english, afraid they won’t like me, afraid they will be horrible people that I have spent way too much time and energy into getting to know and time is of the essence when you age in life. The fear also keeps me from trying new adventures because I’m afraid I will spend too much of my precious little money, afraid something bad will happen and cause me pain, afraid it will be the wrong choice and I will have wasted my time and effort and time is of the essence when you age in life. Are you starting to see the pattern?

    So what can we do? I ask of you. No really, I’m asking you. Does anyone have better options for me? Because I’m running out of steam over here and need some new ideas. Until then, I will keep plugging away, challenging myself and then spending the next day in bed mentally and physically exhausted. Then starting over the next morning, until something changes within me. Perhaps I will spend time contemplating while I rest on the beach, or scoot down these palm tree lines roads; how can that be wrong. 











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